"I need to go to work so I can keep buying you cookies!"
"YOU NEED TO LET ME CLEAN THESE EARRINGS OR I AM SENDING THEM BACK TO YOUR MOTHER IN A BENT UP ENVELOPE!"
"You have a big butt...compared to me."
"The last couple times it's been all about you."
"You've been a lot less crabby since you broke up, like, a lot happier."
"Every morning I wake up and I THANK GOD I met you."
The above comments were all made by different men in my life. They are put in chronological order as I remember them.
I know that who I am is solidly based on how I have been treated by men throughout my years. For good, and bad...
When I was thinking about all of these separate but related comments, I realized there were two significant men in my life that I couldn't think of a particular comment they made. I thought this fact was significant in itself.
I thought I might have more to say once I got these words down, but I guess that is it. I'll let you ponder what has stuck with you over the years.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I'm working on something
Thanks to all my little lemmings for demanding a new blog!
I need to work on sitting down and writing or typing out my ideas when I have them.
I have several ideas flapping around in the breeze of my mind, but I don't have them perfected yet.
I promise to try and tack down some of these ideas for you, but it's difficult since my neighbors locked down their wireless internet connections, I can't get online anymore at home! Bastards.
So, I'm working on something big! For me anyway. Well, big in the worldly sense too I guess. I can start a little buzz and get you wondering what it is! Some of you know, some don't yet. For no good reason really.
But I am SO excited and want to get on a roll before I announce and have people say "You're doing WHAT? Are you crazy?". I have a couple more things to get set. And I have one person that I want to tell before I tell anyone else. That will probably be this weekend. You can expect an announcement after payday. I should be closer to being setup by then. :)
CURIOUS?? Tune in!
ps, I'll try to get some good material to post another blog this weekend.
I need to work on sitting down and writing or typing out my ideas when I have them.
I have several ideas flapping around in the breeze of my mind, but I don't have them perfected yet.
I promise to try and tack down some of these ideas for you, but it's difficult since my neighbors locked down their wireless internet connections, I can't get online anymore at home! Bastards.
So, I'm working on something big! For me anyway. Well, big in the worldly sense too I guess. I can start a little buzz and get you wondering what it is! Some of you know, some don't yet. For no good reason really.
But I am SO excited and want to get on a roll before I announce and have people say "You're doing WHAT? Are you crazy?". I have a couple more things to get set. And I have one person that I want to tell before I tell anyone else. That will probably be this weekend. You can expect an announcement after payday. I should be closer to being setup by then. :)
CURIOUS?? Tune in!
ps, I'll try to get some good material to post another blog this weekend.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I drink too much
...and let me tell you why.
Let me take you back a couple days. This story starts on December 30th, the night before New Years Eve. My Man and I were running around Alligator Dog, trying to wear him out. We have recently discovered the glorious dog run that is my stairs. It works out pretty well, I must say. So The Man and AD are sitting at the top of the stairs. I am cleaning up miscellaneous things downstairs, getting things ready for the next night. We had just gone shopping for everything for New Years dinner and for everything we would need for Game Night we were hosting on Saturday. I had spent the majority of the shopping spree looking for things that would mix with vodka and The Man made fun of me all the while. I was so excited about all the fabulous food dishes I was going to prepare. For New Years Eve I had gotten crab claws and filet and all the fixins to go with.
All of a sudden, The Man calls out to me. I walk over to the bottom of the stairs.
**Now let me give you a little detail that I left out. AD has this favorite toy of his. It's a stuffed beaver. Insert your favorite dirty joke here. We do it all the time.
"Um, beb?"
"YEAH?"
"I think he just ate the arm of his beaver."
"What do you mean, he ate the arm of his beaver?? You're sitting right next to him!!"
"Well, yeah, I know, but his back was to me and he was being so good just laying there. And now the arm is gone. And I don't see it anywhere. Do you?"
"No...I don't."
At this point I'm looking at AD who seems pretty damn pleased with himself to have gnawed off this three inch stuffed beaver arm and gotten it down his throat.
"Well, whatever. There's nothing we can do now. Just watch him and see."
The Man looks concerned at AD and asks him calmly why he is such a dumb dog. I shake my head and walk away. I go into the kitchen and open a Corona. I don't bother cutting a lime for it, because who the hell cares at this point.
Ok, so the next day. New Years Eve. I get very little done during my work day. I can't concentrate and decide my time would be better put to use creating a New Years Eve song playlist for later that evening. I carefully plan out every song, the order and the timing making sure Alde Lang Syne would come on right at midnight.
I fucking rock.
I swing by to pick up The Kid, and head home. She has a meal fit for a queen, double noodle soup, and I explain to her that under no circumstances is she to get out of bed tonight. She can read books in bed, but she needs to stay up there. And no talking either. Yes, I know, Mother of the Year 2008.
I get her showered, she wants to do a special "meal" for The Man and I decide to let her. She creates this cute little spread on her new serving tray complete with a wooden sandwich and an empty plastic cup. The Man comes over and she delicately serves him everything she has prepared. He is excited for the presentation and The Kid is beside herself with glee. She turns around to see the wooden sandwich is gone off the tray.
"Where is the sandwich?"
"Oh, I ate it, it was delicious!!"
"OH MY GOSH, you're not supposed to eat that!!! That is PRETEND!!!!"
"Oh, I'm not? Well, I thought it was for me to eat, it was delicious."
The Kid looks at me like, Can you believe this guy?!? I just laugh and shake my head at her. All of a sudden there's a cough at the table...The Kid whirls around to see the wooden sandwich spilling back onto the tray. Thank goodness. I thought we were going to have to watch The Man's poops along with AD.
It's now eight o'clock and time to start my New Years Playlist. I start it and tell The Man to listen to these first songs, it's very important. They are from me to him. (real tearjerkers) I turn to The Kid.
"Ok, bedtime. Remember what I said. NO getting out of bed. NO talking. You can read in bed. NO playing. And GO TO SLEEP."
"OK Mom. I love you. I just love you so much Mom. And I'll listen. Ok? Just one more hug and kiss."
"That's enough. GO TO BED!"
I have learned that if you fall into the "I love you so much" trap, there is no way getting out except to yell "GO TO BED".
So I return downstairs to finish cooking, The Man just looks at me, a little misty eyed (he would never admit to it) and gives me a big smile and hug.
The meal is looking fabulous, The Man is helping me, AD is in his crate, the beers are appearing one after another, this is the BEST New Years EVER!! We sit down to eat, switching from beer to wine for dinner. I really have outdone myself. We are both impressed with the meal and equally impressed with AD's behavior being in the crate right next to us as we are eating.
Now we are almost done with the meal, and quite tipsy. We start to feel bad for AD being in his crate, being New Years Eve and all. We let him out and decide he should get to have a special New Years Eve meal too. So I mix up some of his food with a little steak and potato. I'm thinking, this isn't all that bad, it's just meat and potato. Standard stuff, right? He snarfs it all down, being the Alligator Dog that he is. He is still being good, I start to play with him and The Man cleans up the dinner table. AD walks away from me at one point and I decide I need to pee. I come out and The Man is looking at AD.
"What?"
"He just ate a crab claw."
"The whole thing?"
"Yeah."
AD looks at me, crunching on what sounds like ceramic.
"Awesome. Did we drink all the wine?"
I switch back to beer.
New Years Morning. I wake up and think I don't feel as bad as I should! A little headache, that's to be expected. Kinda sick to my stomach...I probably just need food.
I head downstairs to clean up the rest of the dishes from the night before and get ready to make my New Years breakfast I was planning. I let AD outside and carefully watch him to see what happens in the way of poo. He starts doing the poo walk all over the yard. I hear sounds coming out of him that usually belong to little eighty year old grammas. I would laugh if my head didn't feel like it was going to fall off. All that he manages to get out is rather green and watery. Not anywhere close to looking like normal poo.
Awesome.
I let him back in and put food in his bowl. He looks at me like I've been smoking the pipe and is probably thinking, "DID YOU JUST SEE ME OUT THERE???? You still expect me to eat something???"
I'm a little concerned at his lack of appetite but think, well, I wouldn't feel like eating either. I put on coffee and start to get out things for breakfast.
I notice AD is suspiciously quiet. I look out into the living room and see he has taken a candy cane off the tree. I go over and take it out of his mouth. He's already eaten half, including of course, the wrapping. I don't have the energy to yell. I call him out to the kitchen and give him a treat. He runs back out to the living room.
The coffee is starting to brew. I go back out to the living room and he has another damn candy cane!! This time he sees me coming and runs into the kitchen. I slowly stomp after him. He runs back into the living room. I dive bomb him and yank it out of his mouth. I hold it in front of his nose and tell him NO. He licks the candy cane one last time for good measure. He follows me to the kitchen and watches me throw it away. He runs back out to the living room.
The coffee pot is only a quarter of the way brewed. What the hell takes this thing so long?? I give it the finger while getting the rest of my ingredients out for breakfast. AD comes proudly running through the kitchen with a candy cane in his mouth. I watch him sprint through to the living room. I decide if he wants death by candy cane, that’s fine with me. I go out to the garage and get a bottle of champagne and pour myself a mimosa.
I spend the rest of the day on Poo Watch 2009. At the end of the day I am really concerned that nothing seems to be moving through AD. I tell The Man that if AD doesn't have a good poo in the morning, I want him to come over and monitor him. He seems thrilled at the idea.
Friday morning. I wake up late for work. Jump in the shower, throw clothes at The Kid, run downstairs to let out AD. He trots out into the backyard as I stand in the warmth of the kitchen. He goes around the corner, where he usually favors for his poo spot. He comes back to the door in record time. I'm thinking, there's no way he pooped in that amount of time but I let him back in on account of how late I am running. I get him food, dash back upstairs to finish getting dressed, tell The Kid to get a move on and run back downstairs.
AD has eaten his food like a normal dog! I put his leash back on him, grab a poo bag and go outside. I go around to the poo spot and see a fresh pile. Lo and Behold!!!!!!!! A bright green stuffed arm, plastered against the poo!!! HALELUIAH!!!!!! I do a quick dance in the yard.
Friday night. I decide I don't want to go home yet, call The Man and ask if he wants to go out for dinner with me and The Kid. He accepts.
On my way to pick up The Man, I get a call from a guy I used to work with. I am doing his wedding invitations and I just sent the bride's parents their invitation. I am finishing up the rest of the invites this weekend and putting them in the mail on Monday. This has been a source of high stress for me, as I hastily volunteered to do the invitations and it quickly grew to a detailed, elegant project. I am super proud of how they turned out but every single time I seal an envelope it's a mini panic attack...
Did I put in a return envelope? Did I accidentally put in two?? Was it all flat inside the star pocket? Was the wax seal even? Is the stamp on straight? Don't drink anything near the invitations!! Keep all food away! Wipe down the table before bringing the invitations into the room!
So the call begins like this,
"Hey, did you seal the invitations yet?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I was just looking at the invitation, this is the first time I'm seeing it all together like this."
"Yeah?"
"Well, and their name isn't on the inside envelope. Shouldn't the name be on there?"
Now, personally, when I get a wedding invitation and it has an interior envelope it only annoys me. Why do you need another fricking envelope? Jeez. The only reason we decided to do an interior envelope is because we were doing a wax seal on the pocket and it would be an extra layer of protection. I tell him this. And ask if the bride wanted the names on the interior envelope.
"No, she's saying it doesn't matter."
THEN WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION???
So, of course, this sends me into panic mode because it's what I do. Is everyone who receives these invitations going to scoff at them? Will they simply throw them away without opening them because they don't know if it's really for them since their name isn't on the interior envelope???
I promptly make two calls to survey opinions. The Man gets in the car in the middle of all this. I tell him the story and he says he can't remember seeing his name on the interior envelopes of the wedding invitations he's gotten. I can't say because I never get a glimpse of any wedding invitations we receive. That's a story for another day. All opinions gathered are that it doesn't matter.
I call the bride back and leave a message. I tell her that I checked with a couple people and the general consensus is that no name is needed on the interior envelope. She calls me back during dinner and leaves a message saying that her mom was the one questioning the whole thing and that's why her fiancée called me. She couldn't care less, and she actually sounded like she was ready to do off with them all. This makes me feel a bit better.
So after this fiasco we go to dinner. I look at the long wine list, and can taste the warm, heavy drink in my mouth. I resist. I order water. I'm so proud. I work on the invitations with the blank interior envelopes and keep all drinks away. I pour myself a glass of juice, I'm doing so well!!
I go to sleep late after losing several brain cells to the wax seal fumes and hope I can sleep at least until eight in the morning.
The Kid comes in to my bed at some point when it's still dark. She tries to talk to me. I ignore her and point to the bed for her to lie down. She humors me. It starts to get light out and she again tries to start up conversation. I grunt. She says she is going to play in her room. I ignore her.
The Kid comes up at tells me she's hungry. I look at my phone. 8:06. Dammit.
I stumble downstairs, thinking of all I need to get ready for game night. I let AD out of his cage and outside. He does his poo business and comes back inside, happy as a clam. I tell The Kid to entertain AD while I make breakfast. All is going well; I don't even want a drink yet! I make oatmeal, sit The Kid down at the table and start to do the dishes.
AD decides to have a repeat performance of the New Years Candy Cane Dance, this time replacing candy canes with the cute little stuffed singing characters I have on top of my four foot bookshelf. I drag him back to his cage and look in my cabinets for a drink.
And so, here I am, with my Midori and OJ, writing my first blog of the New Year. I hope yours has been just as exciting as mine!!
Many Blessings and Love for 2009!
Let me take you back a couple days. This story starts on December 30th, the night before New Years Eve. My Man and I were running around Alligator Dog, trying to wear him out. We have recently discovered the glorious dog run that is my stairs. It works out pretty well, I must say. So The Man and AD are sitting at the top of the stairs. I am cleaning up miscellaneous things downstairs, getting things ready for the next night. We had just gone shopping for everything for New Years dinner and for everything we would need for Game Night we were hosting on Saturday. I had spent the majority of the shopping spree looking for things that would mix with vodka and The Man made fun of me all the while. I was so excited about all the fabulous food dishes I was going to prepare. For New Years Eve I had gotten crab claws and filet and all the fixins to go with.
All of a sudden, The Man calls out to me. I walk over to the bottom of the stairs.
**Now let me give you a little detail that I left out. AD has this favorite toy of his. It's a stuffed beaver. Insert your favorite dirty joke here. We do it all the time.
"Um, beb?"
"YEAH?"
"I think he just ate the arm of his beaver."
"What do you mean, he ate the arm of his beaver?? You're sitting right next to him!!"
"Well, yeah, I know, but his back was to me and he was being so good just laying there. And now the arm is gone. And I don't see it anywhere. Do you?"
"No...I don't."
At this point I'm looking at AD who seems pretty damn pleased with himself to have gnawed off this three inch stuffed beaver arm and gotten it down his throat.
"Well, whatever. There's nothing we can do now. Just watch him and see."
The Man looks concerned at AD and asks him calmly why he is such a dumb dog. I shake my head and walk away. I go into the kitchen and open a Corona. I don't bother cutting a lime for it, because who the hell cares at this point.
Ok, so the next day. New Years Eve. I get very little done during my work day. I can't concentrate and decide my time would be better put to use creating a New Years Eve song playlist for later that evening. I carefully plan out every song, the order and the timing making sure Alde Lang Syne would come on right at midnight.
I fucking rock.
I swing by to pick up The Kid, and head home. She has a meal fit for a queen, double noodle soup, and I explain to her that under no circumstances is she to get out of bed tonight. She can read books in bed, but she needs to stay up there. And no talking either. Yes, I know, Mother of the Year 2008.
I get her showered, she wants to do a special "meal" for The Man and I decide to let her. She creates this cute little spread on her new serving tray complete with a wooden sandwich and an empty plastic cup. The Man comes over and she delicately serves him everything she has prepared. He is excited for the presentation and The Kid is beside herself with glee. She turns around to see the wooden sandwich is gone off the tray.
"Where is the sandwich?"
"Oh, I ate it, it was delicious!!"
"OH MY GOSH, you're not supposed to eat that!!! That is PRETEND!!!!"
"Oh, I'm not? Well, I thought it was for me to eat, it was delicious."
The Kid looks at me like, Can you believe this guy?!? I just laugh and shake my head at her. All of a sudden there's a cough at the table...The Kid whirls around to see the wooden sandwich spilling back onto the tray. Thank goodness. I thought we were going to have to watch The Man's poops along with AD.
It's now eight o'clock and time to start my New Years Playlist. I start it and tell The Man to listen to these first songs, it's very important. They are from me to him. (real tearjerkers) I turn to The Kid.
"Ok, bedtime. Remember what I said. NO getting out of bed. NO talking. You can read in bed. NO playing. And GO TO SLEEP."
"OK Mom. I love you. I just love you so much Mom. And I'll listen. Ok? Just one more hug and kiss."
"That's enough. GO TO BED!"
I have learned that if you fall into the "I love you so much" trap, there is no way getting out except to yell "GO TO BED".
So I return downstairs to finish cooking, The Man just looks at me, a little misty eyed (he would never admit to it) and gives me a big smile and hug.
The meal is looking fabulous, The Man is helping me, AD is in his crate, the beers are appearing one after another, this is the BEST New Years EVER!! We sit down to eat, switching from beer to wine for dinner. I really have outdone myself. We are both impressed with the meal and equally impressed with AD's behavior being in the crate right next to us as we are eating.
Now we are almost done with the meal, and quite tipsy. We start to feel bad for AD being in his crate, being New Years Eve and all. We let him out and decide he should get to have a special New Years Eve meal too. So I mix up some of his food with a little steak and potato. I'm thinking, this isn't all that bad, it's just meat and potato. Standard stuff, right? He snarfs it all down, being the Alligator Dog that he is. He is still being good, I start to play with him and The Man cleans up the dinner table. AD walks away from me at one point and I decide I need to pee. I come out and The Man is looking at AD.
"What?"
"He just ate a crab claw."
"The whole thing?"
"Yeah."
AD looks at me, crunching on what sounds like ceramic.
"Awesome. Did we drink all the wine?"
I switch back to beer.
New Years Morning. I wake up and think I don't feel as bad as I should! A little headache, that's to be expected. Kinda sick to my stomach...I probably just need food.
I head downstairs to clean up the rest of the dishes from the night before and get ready to make my New Years breakfast I was planning. I let AD outside and carefully watch him to see what happens in the way of poo. He starts doing the poo walk all over the yard. I hear sounds coming out of him that usually belong to little eighty year old grammas. I would laugh if my head didn't feel like it was going to fall off. All that he manages to get out is rather green and watery. Not anywhere close to looking like normal poo.
Awesome.
I let him back in and put food in his bowl. He looks at me like I've been smoking the pipe and is probably thinking, "DID YOU JUST SEE ME OUT THERE???? You still expect me to eat something???"
I'm a little concerned at his lack of appetite but think, well, I wouldn't feel like eating either. I put on coffee and start to get out things for breakfast.
I notice AD is suspiciously quiet. I look out into the living room and see he has taken a candy cane off the tree. I go over and take it out of his mouth. He's already eaten half, including of course, the wrapping. I don't have the energy to yell. I call him out to the kitchen and give him a treat. He runs back out to the living room.
The coffee is starting to brew. I go back out to the living room and he has another damn candy cane!! This time he sees me coming and runs into the kitchen. I slowly stomp after him. He runs back into the living room. I dive bomb him and yank it out of his mouth. I hold it in front of his nose and tell him NO. He licks the candy cane one last time for good measure. He follows me to the kitchen and watches me throw it away. He runs back out to the living room.
The coffee pot is only a quarter of the way brewed. What the hell takes this thing so long?? I give it the finger while getting the rest of my ingredients out for breakfast. AD comes proudly running through the kitchen with a candy cane in his mouth. I watch him sprint through to the living room. I decide if he wants death by candy cane, that’s fine with me. I go out to the garage and get a bottle of champagne and pour myself a mimosa.
I spend the rest of the day on Poo Watch 2009. At the end of the day I am really concerned that nothing seems to be moving through AD. I tell The Man that if AD doesn't have a good poo in the morning, I want him to come over and monitor him. He seems thrilled at the idea.
Friday morning. I wake up late for work. Jump in the shower, throw clothes at The Kid, run downstairs to let out AD. He trots out into the backyard as I stand in the warmth of the kitchen. He goes around the corner, where he usually favors for his poo spot. He comes back to the door in record time. I'm thinking, there's no way he pooped in that amount of time but I let him back in on account of how late I am running. I get him food, dash back upstairs to finish getting dressed, tell The Kid to get a move on and run back downstairs.
AD has eaten his food like a normal dog! I put his leash back on him, grab a poo bag and go outside. I go around to the poo spot and see a fresh pile. Lo and Behold!!!!!!!! A bright green stuffed arm, plastered against the poo!!! HALELUIAH!!!!!! I do a quick dance in the yard.
Friday night. I decide I don't want to go home yet, call The Man and ask if he wants to go out for dinner with me and The Kid. He accepts.
On my way to pick up The Man, I get a call from a guy I used to work with. I am doing his wedding invitations and I just sent the bride's parents their invitation. I am finishing up the rest of the invites this weekend and putting them in the mail on Monday. This has been a source of high stress for me, as I hastily volunteered to do the invitations and it quickly grew to a detailed, elegant project. I am super proud of how they turned out but every single time I seal an envelope it's a mini panic attack...
Did I put in a return envelope? Did I accidentally put in two?? Was it all flat inside the star pocket? Was the wax seal even? Is the stamp on straight? Don't drink anything near the invitations!! Keep all food away! Wipe down the table before bringing the invitations into the room!
So the call begins like this,
"Hey, did you seal the invitations yet?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I was just looking at the invitation, this is the first time I'm seeing it all together like this."
"Yeah?"
"Well, and their name isn't on the inside envelope. Shouldn't the name be on there?"
Now, personally, when I get a wedding invitation and it has an interior envelope it only annoys me. Why do you need another fricking envelope? Jeez. The only reason we decided to do an interior envelope is because we were doing a wax seal on the pocket and it would be an extra layer of protection. I tell him this. And ask if the bride wanted the names on the interior envelope.
"No, she's saying it doesn't matter."
THEN WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION???
So, of course, this sends me into panic mode because it's what I do. Is everyone who receives these invitations going to scoff at them? Will they simply throw them away without opening them because they don't know if it's really for them since their name isn't on the interior envelope???
I promptly make two calls to survey opinions. The Man gets in the car in the middle of all this. I tell him the story and he says he can't remember seeing his name on the interior envelopes of the wedding invitations he's gotten. I can't say because I never get a glimpse of any wedding invitations we receive. That's a story for another day. All opinions gathered are that it doesn't matter.
I call the bride back and leave a message. I tell her that I checked with a couple people and the general consensus is that no name is needed on the interior envelope. She calls me back during dinner and leaves a message saying that her mom was the one questioning the whole thing and that's why her fiancée called me. She couldn't care less, and she actually sounded like she was ready to do off with them all. This makes me feel a bit better.
So after this fiasco we go to dinner. I look at the long wine list, and can taste the warm, heavy drink in my mouth. I resist. I order water. I'm so proud. I work on the invitations with the blank interior envelopes and keep all drinks away. I pour myself a glass of juice, I'm doing so well!!
I go to sleep late after losing several brain cells to the wax seal fumes and hope I can sleep at least until eight in the morning.
The Kid comes in to my bed at some point when it's still dark. She tries to talk to me. I ignore her and point to the bed for her to lie down. She humors me. It starts to get light out and she again tries to start up conversation. I grunt. She says she is going to play in her room. I ignore her.
The Kid comes up at tells me she's hungry. I look at my phone. 8:06. Dammit.
I stumble downstairs, thinking of all I need to get ready for game night. I let AD out of his cage and outside. He does his poo business and comes back inside, happy as a clam. I tell The Kid to entertain AD while I make breakfast. All is going well; I don't even want a drink yet! I make oatmeal, sit The Kid down at the table and start to do the dishes.
AD decides to have a repeat performance of the New Years Candy Cane Dance, this time replacing candy canes with the cute little stuffed singing characters I have on top of my four foot bookshelf. I drag him back to his cage and look in my cabinets for a drink.
And so, here I am, with my Midori and OJ, writing my first blog of the New Year. I hope yours has been just as exciting as mine!!
Many Blessings and Love for 2009!
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